Taking a dump is serious business
by whatamidoing765
Summary: How do DW characters take care of their business? Rated T for poop jokes and poop itself


**Wei**

**Cao Cao: He has his own bathroom. Though he makes a mess of it and it stinks. Even leaves the door open just because.**

**Cao Pi: Same thing, except he keeps clean.**

**Cao Ren: It's hard to remove all that armor every time he has to go.**

**Xiahou Dun: He sits up, crossing his arms when he does it. **

**Xiahou Yuan: "Move it! I really have to go!" He breaks down the door to walk in Xiahou Dun doing his business. **

**Jia Xiu: He reads while doing his business. Tends to overflush.**

**Zhen Ji: *Not found* She sticks her heels into my eyes when I walk in. So all I can say is that she has her own bathroom.**

**Wang Yi: *Not found* She bashes my head against the wall when I follow her. **

**Cai Wenji: *Not found* She slams the door on me. **

**Pang De: It's custom-made because of his size. His farts are like thunder. **

**Li Dian: "I had a bad feeling about breakfast...Got to go!" He runs, knocking people over to get to the bathroom. But it's occupied.**

**Yue Jin: "Ugh...Master Li Dian was right..." Yelling is heard outside the door.**

**Zhang Liao: He goes in after Li Dian and Yue Jin. "What happened to the toilet paper? There's none left!."**

**Zhang He: He has his own bathroom, mostly because the public ones are filthy. And it's SO clean, you wish his was yours. He makes going look majestic.**

**Xu Huang: Since he's usually outside, he does his business behind bushes. **

**Yu Jin: Has a VERY strict policy with the amount of toilet paper being used. **

**Guo Jia: Every pretty guy has to go SOME time. And it's not so pretty even when he does it.**

**Dian Wei: He clogs the toilet a lot. Atomic farts also.**

**Xu Chu: His toilet is made of bronze. And it clogs.**

**Wu**

**Zhou Yu: He makes going look majestic. And it's clean.**

**Sun Ce: Stinks up the place every time he goes to the bathroom after a feast.**

**Sun Jian: Well, he's CERTAINLY more cleaner then Sun Ce and more discreet.**

**Sun Quan: Gets the bathroom after Sun Ce. Let's just say he always carries a Lysol can when this happens.**

**Lu Xun: He sets his waste on fire just to mess with the next person that gets the stall.**

**Lian Shi: *Not found* Sun Quan caught me following Lian Shi to her bathroom.**

**Sun Shang Xiang: She has her own bathroom to avoid the smell Sun Ce leaves. But she makes a mess of hers too. **

**Taishi Ci: He and Sun Ce get into a farting contest. The peon that had to clean up was NOT pleased.**

**Lu Meng: Reads during his business.**

**Zhou Tai: You never know when he goes. He's just so fast and discreet.**

**Lu Su: When Zhou Yu is next, he stinks up the place just to gross him out.**

**Gan Ning:"Move it, people! I've got a s*** coming!" He pushes people down to get to the bathroom. **

**Ling Tong: He gets it after Gan Ning. "UGH! What do you eat?!"**

**Da Qiao: *Not found* Even though I'm female, she hits me in the crotch.**

**Xiao Qiao: *Not found* "AHH! Pervert!" I get a toilet lid to my face.**

**Huang Gai: He looks like if you were to go on steroids and do your business like that.**

**Han Dang: His farts are so quiet, it's like they blend in with the air. And they REALLY smell.**

**Ding Feng: He has one custom-made. He does his best thinking on the john anyway. **

**Shu**

**Zhao Yun: Even poster-boy has to go. And he's a guy, so don't except him to fart rainbows.**

**Guan Yu: Even gods have to go. He asks for one specially made for him because he doesn't want to share.**

**Zhang Fei: You have to feel bad for the peon that cleans up after him.**

**Liu Bei: "Get out!" He has his own bathroom.**

**Zhuge Liang: Counts the stars (somehow) and reads. He uses his fan to make the smell go away. **

**Yue Ying: *Not found* Her bathroom is really strong on security. There are multiple locks on her door.**

**Xing Cai: *Not found* She jams a toilet paper roll up my behind. **

**Liu Shan: He's kinda like a baby when he goes. Farts the whole time. **

**Ma Chao: "I have to go and do my BUUUSSSIIIINNNNESS!" **

**Huang Zhong: He's old. He needs laxatives or diapers.**

**Jiang Wei: He shares Zhuge Liang's bathroom even though Zhuge Liang doesn't want him to.**

**Wei Yan: When he goes, it's like cavemen have came back.**

**Pang Tong: He dozes off during his business.**

**Guan Ping: He's boring even in the bathroom.**

**Guan Suo: That flower dies from the smell.**

**Guan Xing: It really smells like flowers after he goes. There's a can of Lysol in the garbage can. **

**Ma Dai: He's still cheery when he goes. "Hi, Cousin! Hi, Wei Yan!" **

**Zhang Bao: Cancels out the flowery smell with loud farts.**

**Bao Sanniang: *Not found* She hissed at me.**

**Xu Shu: You don't even know he went. His farts are like air.**

**Guan Yinping: *Not found* Guan Yu threw me out of Shu. Hey, it rhymes!**

**Jin**

**Sima Yi: He's clean at his own bathroom. But when he REALLY needs to go, he runs over to Wei's bathrooms in order to gross out future people entering. When he feels like it, maybe pass some gas when Jia Xiu or Guo Jia is in there.**

**Sima Shi: Since he eats a lot of meat, it smells. Don't deny he won't fart just because he's pretty!**

**Sima Zhao: He really makes it smell. And uses up the toilet paper up. Even dozes off while on the john. **

**Zhang Chunhua: *Not found* She "persuaded" me to leave. But all I can say is the bathroom is Zhang He-standard-clean. **

**Wang Yuanji: *Not found* Hers was more direct. Meaning I got Lysol sprayed to my eyes.**

**Jia Chong: Lets out a big one in order to wake Zhao up in the next stall.**

**Guo Huai: You hear coughing with every fart. **

**Z****hong Hui: He's clean. TOO clean for a guy. Did I mention he sprays a whole can of Lysol every time someone goes and finishes? **

**Deng Ai: He draws maps even in the john. Half of Jin's toilet paper were Deng Ai maps.**

**Wen Yang: He has a custom-made stall for him.**

**Xiahou Ba: He falls in the toilet. Nah, just kidding. Ok, one time he did.**

**Zhuge Dan: Carries Lysol every time he knows Zhao is going to be using the bathroom.**

**Other**

**Lu Bu: His farts are so atomic it blows up the bowl. And you bet it smells! It's like the H-bomb of farts!**

**Diao Chan: *Not found* Let's face it. Women don't want to reveal their sanitary habits. **

**Meng Huo: Well, he's tribal. So he has to go outside, I guess.**

**Zhu Rong: *Not found* It's bad enough that you have to go outside to do your business. **

**Zuo Ci: He doesn't need to. He can just make his waste disappear and into someone else's toilet bowl. Specifically Cao Cao's.**

**Zhang Jiao: "The will of the Heavens say...that I need to go. Be right back."**

**Yuan Shao: "Hmph! A noble like me doesn't-Oh! I have to go! Move it!" **


End file.
